at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
