we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
