new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
