Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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