Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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