My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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