my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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