I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
