I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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