Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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