Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
