peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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