I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
