When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
