watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
