I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
