I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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