So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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