and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize