i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
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