Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
