He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
