Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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