The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
