I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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