I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
