I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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