I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
