You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Ambien. No doubt about it.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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