Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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