Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
