Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
