You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
