you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
