If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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