wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
