the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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