So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
