It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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