Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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