i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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