It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
