Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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