In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
