i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Randomize
