Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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