don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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