The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
