I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
