Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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