There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
