ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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