I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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