mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
