Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
