hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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