we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
