She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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