Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
her facebook's as public as her vagina
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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