I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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