I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
