Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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